Irrevocable Emotions
by PikaCheeka
Summary: Takes place several months after the anime ends Esther gets an unlikely visitor and comes to an uncomfortable conclusion about the way she lives. Mild Dietrich x Esther, Spoilers, Esther POV, rating for language.


A/N – This fic is pointless and random. I'll warn you right now. It's the closest to a Dietrich x Esther I'll ever get. Takes place several months after the anime ends (spoilers!); Esther runs into Dietrich, thought to be dead, and a strange conversation ensues. PG13 for language and questionable comments. Esther POV. One-shot. Ignore my lame title that sounds like an emo-band's debut album.

A/N edit 11/07 – PLEASE READ. This fic is not canon. I know the years/ages are off, but I wrote this fic when I was still fairly new to the fandom and had only read one manga and seen the anime. Dietrich's "past" here is actually very similar to his real past in canon, though it's five years slower. I could change it, but I prefer not to. I actually thought that Isaak had adopted Dietrich at a young age and Di had killed his parents around the same time, while not knowing canon at all. Which I guess means that there's something in Di's character that screams "I was raised by a crazy man who found me and decided he liked me" and "I killed my parents". At least I was right about _something._

Irrevocable Emotions

By PikaCheeka

"Esther. It's been a while."

The sardonic ring in the voice caught my attention even more than the cliché I knew him to be so fond of. But it's not as if I had time to even move before he was behind me. I saw him in the mirror and I didn't dare turn around. "I thought you were dead." I whispered, hating myself for the way my voice trembled.

"Ah, that small matter. You've seen me die before though. You know I always come back. Always, always, always." He laughed quietly.

What was he? Why didn't he go away? "What do you want?"

"You're the queen now. I wasn't invited to your coronation. That isn't very nice."

"You're dead!" I spat. The thought of inviting him…but I had thought of it, for the barest of moments, before I remembered seeing his broken, bleeding body on the floor only seconds before Abel himself…

"So is Abel, and you invited him."

I froze. Was he reading my mind? How did he know about that? My small, absurd hope that Abel had survived his last fight with Cain…I had told Seth that if she ever found him, to tell him to come. "Go away."

"I don't want to." And he sat down beside me. Like there was nothing wrong with the situation. I half expected him to be a ghost, to at least smell dead, but he was perfectly normal. As he had been when I first met him in Istavan. Lithe and lazy and seductively beautiful. He was no longer wearing the RosenKreuz uniform. Now he wore a black suit with a high collar. "You know," he said suddenly. "I'm the Duke of Germanicus."

"Liar." I almost hit him. Why wouldn't he go away? "There is no Duke. He was assassinated seven years ago."

"He was my dear daddy. My first murder. I was only thirteen, but Isaak helped me a bit. I was his heir, and no one suspected me."

I paled; I saw it in the mirror and it made him smile. I still couldn't meet his eye. "You killed your father?"

"And my mother, too. They deserved it. How I _hated_ being ignored." He absently opened my desk drawer. I didn't stop him. There was nothing for him to see. And he didn't touch. He only opened it and peered inside. "You're not ignoring me, are you, Esther?"

"Are you going to kill me, too? I have guards out-"

"They didn't see me come in. Must have looked the other way. Oops, how careless. But why would I kill you? I love you." He folded his hands in his lap and smiled at me.

"You're disgusting." I hated him, but I still loved him. Even after everything he'd done. And I knew everything he told me in Istavan was a lie, but he was still…

"We could get married, you know. Germanicus and Albion united. Relations aren't so good between the two countries. And not only is Abel gone, but Ion is, too. Now that would have been an ideal marriage. Little vampire prince." He laughed.

"What do you know about Ion?" I could do nothing but ignore the marriage comment.

"I was Radu. Radu was me. Remember? Radu was _so_ jealous of you. He wanted Ion to be his lover, but the boy was a bit stupid, didn't understand. Then you came along and, well, Radu got angry." He clapped his hands for a moment, then stopped and leaned forward, his eyes suddenly serious "You don't like me anymore, do you?"

"I never did!"

"No need to be angry." And he touched me. I didn't even have time to jump, or hit him, or anything. Because then his hand was playing with my hair. "I do love you."

"Get away." The panic was rising in me but it was immediately placated somehow.

"You've had every opportunity to run or call for help." He leaned his forehead against mine and sighed. His breathe smelled of tea and cigarettes, but it wasn't intrusive. It was simply…masculine. Dietrich was a man. He was twenty, maybe nineteen…older than me, but not by much. And he was a human, or at least he had the body of one.

"Dietrich." I leaned back. "No."

He raised an eyebrow. "You're getting old, Esther. Fifteen years as a nun. Now you're a queen. They're going to make you marry someone eventually. What if you don't love him?"

"That's none of your business!" I said hotly, but I knew he was right. I was nearly eighteen and I had never been a girl. I was never one for fairy tales. You can't be when you're a nun and an assassin living in perpetual wartime. Everyone I got close to died, or vanished. Abel, Ion. And there was Dietrich, who turned out to be a madman and a serial killer, a member of the RosenKreuz, an enemy of the world. And I had only been queen two months, but I was being pressured to marry already. Virgil warned me; he fought for my solitude as much as he could. But the people wanted a marriage, and who was I to deny them? They wanted to secure an heir, not to mention create an alliance with another country. Every night I prayed for Ion to return, but he never came. I didn't even realize Dietrich had his arm around my waist until he pulled me to him. And he held me against him one arm. He was thin and tight, but not muscular. Not overtly masculine. Just enough to make me aware.

"Isaak was mad when I told him I was coming here."

Isaak. He had said that name before. "Von Kampfer? He's alive, too?" The necromancer who had killed Noelle. That Isaak.

He laughed into my hair. I wondered what cologne he wore. "Of course he is. Black mages can't die so easily. He threw up a shield when the ship went down, grabbed me, and we went to The Free Nation for a few months."

"The Free Nation." I whispered. Egypt. Sheol. It had been a wasteland since the cataclysm. Only perhaps a thousand people made that country their home; they were a death-cult, humans and Methuselah alike. It was a land of trade and chaos, home of the black market.

"He's from a line of Egyptian mages." He said absently. "He's my lover. Did you know that? You might want to know that before we do anything."

"Do anything?" I jerked back. I knew what he meant immediately; the lewd glint in his eye was enough. "Do you think I'm some sort of-"

"Lonely little girl?" he smiled and I shuddered. "He's very territorial. But I told him he had Cain, so it was only fair that I loved you on the side, too."

"You're a pervert." I growled. "What is the matter with you?" He wanted me as his lover. Me. And then he would go back to wherever he came from, probably kill a dozen humans, then lie down and beg for that sycophantic magician.

"Esther, you're so cute." He grabbed my arm then and stood up, pulling me with him. "Let's go out, shall we?"

"Let go of me!"

"I'm not very strong. You could probably knock me out with one blow." He said absently, looking at his watch. "I won't stop you. I find this all deeply amusing." He pulled me to him again then, this time with both arms around me.

"What do you want?" I shivered. He was so close. He smelled good. He felt good. I had never been held by a man before, had never…

"Just to talk." He smiled. And he kissed my forehead. It was barely a brush, but I still almost fell against him. I felt weak, foolish, felt like a little girl. He wasn't much taller than me, nor much stronger, but he was still a man. I remembered when I first met him, when I was still a nun, and I had gone back to the convent and wept and cursed the day I had ever been brought there. Because when I first spoke to him and saw the smile in his eyes, when he caught me as I slipped on the ice and took me out for coffee, I fell in love with him. Completely, utterly, irrevocably. And he began whispering of his past, of how he was here to kill the vampires… We became inseparable almost immediately, and after my first murder, he even wiped the blood off my body and kissed the hands that pulled the trigger while I cried. It was all lies, but I was falling into the same lies all over again.

"Why do you keep coming to me?" I whispered into his shoulder. "Aren't there others out there for you to manipulate and abuse?"

He looked sad, which was strangely discomforting. "Because I'm in love with you, Esther."

"So why are you so cruel?"

"I don't like being in love. You should see how I treat Isaak."

"Go back to him then!" I cried. "Leave me out of this."

"I don't want to. Haven't we established that I only do what I feel like? I have a car a bit of a walk away." He slipped a small cube out of his pocket. More lost technology. He was a genius with it, absolutely terrifying. "I can port us there."

"I'm not trying that. You're a fool if-"

"So noisy." He pushed me towards the door then, the tiny box at the small of my back. "Now we're invisible." He laughed in my ear.

"You lie." I hissed at him, walking beside him now. He wouldn't let go of me, wouldn't let me out of his reach, not while he held the magician's box.

"Your dear sweet Virgil is right there. Let's see if he notices us."

I opened my mouth to call to him but Dietrich's hand was over my mouth before I could even take in air. And Virgil didn't even blink. He merely looked angry and sullen, as he always does. Fifty yards and an elevator ride down to the main hall, I shoved Dietrich away from me. "What in God's name is that?"

"Just a bit of fun. Is Tres here? He would see through it. That would be a pity." He tossed it in the air and caught it at the last moment. His hair was longer than I remembered, hanging in his eyes. He was beautiful. Was he always so good-looking? I could do nothing but obey.

"I don't have a license." He admitted. "So let's not get pulled over."

"I don't either." I replied before catching myself. Why converse with him as if he were a normal…human?

Dietrich made a few offhand comments, but he fell into silence when he realized I wouldn't look at him. I wondered dully if he would kill me. How could I have been so stupid? How could security have been so lax? He must have done something. It was only when we got off the main roads that he cleared his throat again.

"Want to know a secret?" he leaned forward. "I was never with RosenKreuz, not really. Isaak wasn't either. Only at first."

"You just went along for fun." I said tightly. It hardly surprised me. It was just like Dietrich to join a terrorist organization just for the chance to kill a few million people.

"I suppose I didn't put it right." He turned on the radio, frowned, and quickly pulled a CD out. "Sorry." He said offhand. "This is Isaak's car." He coughed lightly and I was startled to see him blushing faintly. "Isaak started the order with Cain. He might as well have brought Cain back to life. I came into the picture eight years ago. Isaak was my tutor, my lover, and he got me in the order when I was only thirteen. I turned Von Kämpfer from Cain. He was nothing but a lap dog before me. A lonely lunatic who wanted to end the world just because he was depressed."

I opened my mouth but closed it again. I glanced at him. He had his sunglasses on now and had rolled down the window. He and Von Kämpfer were lovers when he was only a kid. The mage was nearly forty. So that meant he was probably twelve and sleeping with a thirty-year-old. I shivered. It was no surprise he was so insane now.

"But if I ended the world…" he raised his glasses for a moment. "Well, I do everything I do for entertainment. I want the world to end to bring about a new Jerusalem, and there I will rule. Isaak wants to find the truth to faith. And where else will you find that but in the end times? Isaak obeys me. He is my servant, after all. He purposely weakened Cain's body. So…" he trailed off and shrugged.

"He what?" It was all so mad I could only absorb his last statement. He was raving, likely distracting me from his haphazard driving.

"Abel is still alive."

"What?" I cried.

He ignored me though. "So is Cain, probably. But we're all done with him now. I don't like how he killed me. No respect for anyone. He'll have to find new servants, and that will take years."

"Abel…"

"Dear God, woman! Yes, he's still alive. Maybe I'll start a fourth world power. Wouldn't that be fun? Would you like to join me? If you don't mind sharing me with Isaak. I wouldn't give him up even for you, my love."

"Dietrich, I have to find him. Where is he? You must know!" My mind was raging. Abel alive? Why hadn't he come back to me? Why had he left me?

He shrugged and pulled over. It hit me then that we had been driving somewhere. One of the small pseudo-stonehenges, surrounded by forgotten gardens. It wasn't so far from my quarters, an hour's drive if you obeyed the laws, which Dietrich didn't. And he leapt from the car, not even bothering to close the door. I bolted after him, but he was already gone, off and running, laughing madly at the evening sky.

"Esther!" he howled. "We're all still alive! Isn't that mad? It's like…like we're meant to fight forever." He keeled over, his coat falling off him, he clutching his stomach and howling with laugher. There was no other word for it. Madness. But he was right. We were all still alive, if his words proved true. It was impossible. And yet…

I caught up with him and he had his arms around me again before I could protest, tight and strong. "I promise." His breath was hot against my ear. "I promise that whatever happens in the future, I will not kill you." He leaned back and smiled at me in the fading light.

"What do you mean?" I was startled. I shouldn't have been. I had let my guard down. I couldn't help it around him. And God, what was I doing? Queen of Albion, out alone, miles from anyone, in the darkness with a murderer.

He laughed again. "I need you alive. I can't torment you if you die. Dead bodies are no fun."

I shoved him. Stupid, foolish, childish even, but it was the first thing that came to mind. I shoved him hard, with all my weight. I was preparing to kick him while he was down too, before I realized I was on the ground. On the ground with him on top of me, his elbows on either side of my head.

"You're cute." He said lazily and started stroking my hair. He was heavy and I could feel his masculinity and it terrified me. He could do whatever he wanted to me. I remembered what he told me, nearly a year ago now, when he first betrayed me. He told me he could make me feel as if I was being raped and mutilated simply by looking at me, by pulling his strings. We were alone. I was unarmed. And he could read my mind. "I don't need my strings now, do I? I can do it. Right. Now." He purred softly, pressing into me. I had dealt with men before, had even been in this situation before, but I had always been armed. Or at least Leon or Abel were within screaming distance. But all I could do now was stare up at him and fight back a sob. If I was going to be ravaged, it might as well be him, right? I tried to rationalize, tried to tell myself it was better it be a boy my age, one I had once liked even, than a total stranger. Bullshit. You can't tell yourself that. Then the ugliest thought of all hit me. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad… I started to cry.

"Dietrich…" I was sobbing, pleading. And I hated myself for it. Dietrich, don't tempt me, I added silently. I know he heard.

"Don't cry, Esther. Little Dietrich wouldn't do that to you." I felt his fingers brush my face, my tears.

"Get away from me." I snarled, trying to maintain my dignity despite my tears. How had this happened? How had I let this happen?

"I love you, but I don't like girls that way. I just find you…charming. Amusing." His eyes fluttered closed and he sighed. He wouldn't do it. He said he wouldn't. He didn't like girls. Why did I believe him though?

"Then get off."

"Touchy, touchy! I would kiss you but you might like that too much."

"Damn you! You know I want nothing to do with you!"

"You're blushing." He laughed and rolled off me. "Admit it. You like me."

I didn't answer, only sat up and glared at him.

"Just a little. Want my phone number? Maybe you'll answer me someday."

"I could track it. I could have you arrested."

"You wouldn't do that. Because you like me." He kicked his legs out and clapped his hands. "Can you remember it?" He whispered it to me. Ten digits. Intercontinental cell phone.

"Dietrich. I can't know this." I pushed him back. I couldn't know it. Not as a responsible queen of Albion. He was a psychopath, one who fully intended to strike again at the world. If I knew it, I would be forced to turn him in.

He frowned. "So boring. I was afraid being queen would make you boring. Anyway, call it to ask about Abel then. Is that what you want? Always Abel."

"Stop it!"

"I'm stating a fact." He was genuinely pouting. Then he laughed again, his eyes glittering. When had it gotten so dark? "I better take you home."

I stood up before him, which seemed to irritate him, but he brushed it off. We stood there in silence for a moment, his hands framing my face. His fingers were slender and cool, his eyes abnormally bright. The eyes of a lunatic. "I'll come back for you." He whispered then, suddenly so close, too close, his body up against mine.

"Dietrich…" I said weakly, fully prepared to push him back. I couldn't let him. But I knew I wouldn't stop him even as I planned to. I didn't want to enough. We stood there for at least a full minute, studying one another. The emotions in his eyes shocked me. Where normally there was nothing but madness, there was honest confusion there now. I was so busy trying to read them that I barely noticed him tightening his grip on me. Yet he surprised me. And instead of kissing me, as I suspected, he leaned forward and forced me to see him. The real Dietrich. Whoever he was.

"Run away." He whispered. "Go find Abel Nightroad. I want Cain to pay for what he did to me." His voice was low, his eyes mad, his face in shadow. He was beautiful, deadly. He was the Devil. And I loved him. Hopeless. Desperate. Irrevocable. Unforgivable.


End file.
